SHARE: Show her heaven ...

I received the following text this week -

" Brownie Points P.A, I have a question. When are you finally allowed to 'drop your guts' in front of that special someone?"

Farting, flatulence or the 'quack' (as it's referred to by some of my workmates) might still be hilarious to you but less so for her.

After much discussion the general consensus was between 3 to 6 months at the earliest and dependent on how often you're seeing each other. But don't do it intentionally or think she'll find it as funny as your mates. Try and at least look a little bit sheepish or embarrassed. THEN you can piss yourself  WITH her and she might even think you're cute.

In response to this, my reader had an even better suggestion.. "3 months AND you have to get her to reach orgasm first". Clearly, a smart Brownie Points seeker.

Brownie Points P.A memo: Show her heaven before you expose her to hell!

PLAY: The real man

Most women these days bemoan the lack of a 'real man'. To be fair, the definition is ambiguous because they still demand decent dress sense and some sensitivity. However, a common disappointment is the handyman factor.

 Knowing how to fix your ipod, xbox or laptop do not count as tool time. Calling someone to do the job is similarly unappealing. Yes, you have the cash and the need for convenience - weekly cleaners, 12 ironed shirts for $12 and removalists who unpack for you too. But the biggest (balls) test is this - does she call you or does she still call her dad when it comes to the 'real man' stuff? If you don't like the answer, start liking the toolbox. Equal opportunity and all that but the fastest way to brownie points is taking charge with manly duties. And if you like nice cars, know the inside too. A friend on a date was driven to a local lookout point for a romantic tête-à-tête. The Beemer cut out and her 'man' had to call another man to help him locate and jumpstart the flat battery. Yep, that's hot.


 Even worse, modern male competitiveness has become less on-field and more 'on the streets'. With the rise of the skinny-boy-in-skinny-jeans, it's increasingly alarming seeing guys trying to out-vintage and out-style each other. That's right all you 'I've-moved-to-Bondi-so-therefore-I'm-cool' culprits, there's something scarier than being photographed by Fernando Frisoni for S without having perfected your pout - having women think you look like a pussy.


 The rise of the metrosexual in the early part of the decade gave way to a dominant belief that the burly bloke was out and stylish, have-a-clue charisma was in. This is still true to an extent. Yet there's a call once more for the manly man - rough, tough and uncontrived buff. There’s a direct correlation between male skinniness and unattractiveness to the female population. Skinnier jeans, skinnier arms and skinnier singlet straps on any man equals hugely unattractive. And just because you have guns, squeezing yourself into skinny jeans isn't ok either. It applies to any or all of the above. (Chunky bums in skinny jeans are equally as vomitus). Most of the time, she won't say anything but she's cringing behind your back. Trying too hard is just plain tiring and just plain unmanly.


 Brownie Points P.A memo: If you take longer to get ready than most girls you know, you have a massive problem. And that's before she's even undressed you to take a look down there. Make sure she still leads in the style stakes and give her a generous dose of compliments for a generous dose of brownie points.

EAT: Tap that

For the average punter, the very word 'date' makes them cringe. Visions of a candlelit dinner and stilted conversation makes even the worst morning-after coyote ugly* situation look appealing. Surprising as it may seem, not every girl loves a 'date' either. If she's more down-to-earth than picky princess, choose your venue wisely.

For the 'non-date' date,  The Local Taphouse is a great place to tap that, figuratively and literally.  The decor makes it cooler than your average pub without being a wank - instructions to 'Drink Beer' in large wooden letters and oversized lights hanging above the front bar, bookcases and birdcages for light fixtures in the restaurant upstairs. But most importantly,  it offers a tonne of specialty beers on tap.  You can even get the none-too-ghastly gimmicks going with a 'beer taster' - five 90ml beers for $13. Sure to get the juices flowing..conversationally.


If the beers are going down well and things are looking on the up, make it more intimate and head to the restaurant upstairs.  They even take bookings - an increasingly common Sydney rarity. There's a massive menu with some brilliant standouts including the 3-beer marinated beef burger and the lemon, leek and thyme mussels. Plus there are desserts like beeramisu to add another talking point.  


But if you're still struggling to make conversation this late in the game, the only thing that's getting tapped is another beer. Almost a win each way, no?


Brownie Points P.A rating: Also perfect for the keep-it-casual, no-cringe double date.

*coyote ugly: A situation encountered after a night of consuming alcohol whereby a person, usually male, wakes the next morning in a strange bed with a sexual partner from the previous evening who is completely physically undesirable and sleeping on the man's arm. The hapless male would rather gnaw off his own arm than wake the woman and have to face the ills of his intoxicated choices the previous evening. Originating from a phenomena whereby a coyote captured in a jaw trap will chew off its own leg to escape certain death. (Urban Dictionary.com)
 

DRINK: Boozing on a budget

Payday has passed and you’re dangerously close to zero. So where to take a girl for that midweek booze on a budget? 

Here are a few places trusted by fellow mates with no money for dates. While they’re mainly in Surry Hills, they’re close to the CBD/ Central for after work drinks, no matter which direction she lives in. Given the location and general atmos of the list below, these boys came off with more ‘street cred’ and ‘laidback cool’ than when they first walked in. Not to mention, the extra company.


The Hollywood Hotel, Surry Hills for the retro vibe and live music
The KB Hotel, Surry Hills for the free finger food and people spilling on the street in the late afternoon sun
The Gaslight Inn, Surry Hills for the eclectic crowd
The Cricketers Arms, Surry Hills for the open fire and fun vibe 106 fitzroy st, surry hills
The Lounge, Surry Hills for the food and less of a pub feel
3 Weeds, Paddington for the pool table and bar food
North Bondi RSL for the views and burgers
Diggers Club next to Bondi Golf Course for its hidden gem views

Brownie Points P.A memo: Wherever you go, if she lives close by, walk her home. Saves you a cab fare, gives you more time to linger and less of the awkward chat and cabbie’s impatience at the end of the ride. Plus, she’ll be telling her friends you’re charmingly chivalrous and you just ‘talked all night’. Brownie points, brag-me-up!

PLAY: A night of beckoning..

Festivals and fun don’t always equal free. However, Sydney Festival’s staple, the much-loved Becks Bar, has free entry after 1130pm. Get off the couch and into the city. Time to show her you’re spontaneous and sound-savvy. 

Brownie Points P.A memo: If you think dancing to DJs dampens your style, just soak up the atmos and enjoy January's best outdoor bar.

SHARE: Clothes she covets

Clothes. She looks great with or without them. The problem is, how do you buy them? The short answer is you shouldn’t. Like an elite athlete, only a small minority excel and will always win a swag of brownie points. For everyone else, it’s just pure fear and you choke at the finish line. Fear of getting the right style, size or shop and fear of answering ‘does my butt look big in this?’. 

If you’re game, go in prepared: 

1. Know her size. And not just “Size 10”. Is she a 10 on top and a 12 on the bottom? What’s her cup size? Check her tags to get a clue without seeming the stalker. There’s nothing worse than getting her size wrong. It’s a lose-lose. You’ll depress her because she’s larger than you thought or insult her by suggesting she’s larger than she is. In fact if she’s having an off day, it’s an epic fail because subsequently, she’ll feel self conscious, less sexy and less likely to initiate ‘sexy time’.

2. Know her taste. Get what she likes. Not what you like. You might be a g-banger boy but if she's a full brief fan, choose wisely to ensure you actually have  the option to see her wearing neither.

3. Sleuth shopping. Go shopping with her. Sounds punishing but if you’re attempting to buy her clothes, you’re already a glutton for that. Take note of the styles she’s browsing, what she’s trying and where she’s buying. And always make friends with the saleswoman.

4. Respect her right to return. Always ensure there’s a return or exchange policy and let her know she has the option. Not to lack faith but be realistic. Then at least both parties are happy and your money doesn’t go to waste.

5. If all else fails... and you are set on giving her clothes, take her with you. But make an effort to make it special. What seems practical and generous to you - offering her a wardrobe and your credit card - might seem like a cop-out to her. No thought, no effort, no brownie points. A friend I know managed to make a cut-out card in the shape of a dress with a dollar value. Simple, short and in her eyes, super sweet.

Brownie Points P.A memo: If you’re struggling, consult her best mate or sister. It’s the trifecta of brownie points – you look good, your girl ends up looking good and you get influential instant-win best mate brownie points.

DRINK:...exactly what though?

Ordering wine can be murky territory. If you know too much, you risk coming off as a wanker. If you know too little, you’re deemed a clueless bogan. She’ll love it if you take charge and suggest a wine but she will be turned off if you rattle on about the characteristics of the wine and overdo it with the tasting. It’s best to consider what wine she prefers drinking, know a few good regions for that particular varietal, and then go with a mid-range bottle. Not too cheap, not too showy.

However, this is no wannabe wine guide. There are plenty out there and you can read up til your cup runneth over. Instead, here are a few suggestions for a few solid vinos for that BBQ, dinner or house party at the home of the one you covet. That way you’ll find picking a bottle just as easy as picking out your favourite case.

Sparkling - $10-19: Janz Premium Cuvee $20;  $20-29: Deutz Marlborough Cuvee $22; $30-40:Chandon Brut NV $30.

Whites - $10-19: Oyster Bay Chardonnay $18; Oyster Bay Sav Blanc $18 . $20-29: Brokenwood Semillon $20; Leeuwin Siblings Sav Semillon $25.  $30-40: Cloudy Bay Sav Blanc $32; Cardinham Riesling $35; Cape Mentelle Sav Semillon $37.

Reds - $10-19: Cono Sur Pinot Noir $10; The Stump Jump Shiraz  $13; Annie’s Lane Rose $17; Catching Thieves Cab Merlot $15 $20-29: Stoneleigh Pinot Noir $20; Cape Mentelle Cab Merlot $25.  $30-40: Mount Pleasant Rosehill Shiraz $33; Nanny Goat Vineyard Pinot Noir $35

EAT: Well-stocked

There’s nothing more disappointing than a guy who’s not well-stocked in the main department - the kitchen. For the unexpected overnight guest with potential for an extended stay, ensuring you have the breakfast basics ensures a late morning love-in. Never underestimate the importance of a good omelette or scrambled eggs. It’s too easy to keep your kitchen stocked with fresh eggs, butter, milk and bread – kitchen staples just as easily obtained as a case of beer. Less prep time means more bed time. Try this classic omelette recipe  or these simple scrambled egg s, prep time 2 mins, cooking time 5 mins. And back to bed.. gold.

Brownie Points P.A memo: Goodbye hangover, hello eggs and sunshine.  Happy endings all round.

PLAY: The back page picnic

Summer days are for beers, sports and sitting in the sun. Call it a ‘picnic’, pull out the paper and pack the pinot. Choose a leafy, secluded spot for optimum brownie points and the potential romantic romp.  Crack open her vino, pop off your twist top and Richie Benaud’s your uncle. Back page, beers and buckets of brownie points. She'll appreciate the 'romantic' outdoor alternative to sitting on the couch doing the same and she'll be just as happy reading her book. 

Hit-for-six picnic spots:

1.        McKell Park, Darling Point 

2.        Centennial Park 

3.        North Head, Manly 

4.        Cremorne Point, Cremorne 

5.        Robertson Park, Watsons Bay 

6.        Lake Parramatta Reserve, James Ruse Drive 

7.        Milk Beach, Strickland House, 

DRINK: First-rate first date

1. The batting-above-your-average date

Well done. Now you’ll need the matching venue to make sure you come out on top in the first round.   Millevini is a stellar place for a stellar girl. Situated on Crown St, Surry Hills, this brilliant enoteca focuses on Italian wines and associated spuntini, tasting plates of Italian food perfect for sharing. It’s a two-storey, narrow space with dark interiors and a beautiful sandstone wall displaying two-storeys of wine . It can be intimate while allowing for a great vibe that carries over the conversation and laughs along. Their wine list is extensive, presented in a beautiful leather embossed cover with beautiful illustrations. It’s not wanky or too pretentious, just be sure to smile at the maitre’d to deflect any attempts to intimidate and patronise.

2. The girl-from-work date

Stealth mode is key here without making it look like you’re hiding so you need to go for the little neighbourhood joint that everyone loves, not the latest sceney bar. Time to roll out Fico – a new bar on Bourke St, Surry Hills in the old Café Niki spot, reminiscent of a hard-to-find New York speakeasy. It’s a personable little wine bar that’s super vibey but also has a good little number of alcoves to hide away and enjoy a quiet drink. Plus you don’t have to find another spot to hideout for dinner – there’s great tasting plates and when it’s run by the folks from il Baretto, you know it’ll be good.

3. The reverse date

You slept together first but now you want to date her. There’s less pressure here because you’ve managed to get her in bed once. Now it’s about convincing her you’re fun and not just a total player. Let her kick up her heels at the Winery by Gazebo. The crowd is loud and fun, she can show you she looks just as good dressed-up as undressed and it’s a wine bar that doesn’t try too hard or take itself too seriously - evidenced by the wine list descriptions (bubbles, unpronounceables and so on). And since you’ve shared a bed, you can share some great food  like the crispy squid, mint, coriander, chilled cucumber salad or the veal & chorizo sausage roll. It gets busy but if you’re crammed up together against the bar,  that’s not so bad is it?

4. The reluctant date

You don’t know how you got roped into it but suddenly you’re taking out a girl you’re really not that keen on. Too many beers or too many over-enthusiastic match-making mates’ girlfriends. Either way, it needs to be efficient, inexpensive and easily done. Like ripping off a bandaid. The Welcome Hotel, much like its name, is a friendly little pub with great ‘gastropub’ style dining so you know you’ll at least get a good meal out of it. It’s not too sceney, not too cool and not too ‘swanky’ impressive if you don’t want to encourage her. It’s casual and good enough to achieve just that – a friendly, casual date with a nice little outdoor area out the back. It’s a favourite with the Balmain locals and if you go on Monday trivia night, you might just make a few new friends and have a better time than expected.

5. The best friend date

She used to be a mate so you hung out at the same places. Now there’s something more and you’re stuck trying to find somewhere new and different without being too contrived, changing the dynamic and making it weird. Darlo Bar is a great spot because it’s like hanging out in your loungeroom. It’s cool enough with retro-kitsch finishes and an upstairs astro-turf courtyard area to make it something a bit funkier than your average pub-on-the-corner. There’s a solid range of beers on tap so if she was already one of your good mates before you considered waking up next to her, she’ll be appreciative too.

SHARE: K.I.S.S always

Keep it simple, stupid. Only the over-the-top, ostentatious w*nker needs to flash his cash. Grab a post-it note from the office, tell her she’s still got it and watch your brownie points skyrocket.

Sweet nothings might be deemed old-school, cringe worthy mush. But a well-timed sweet nothing saves you cash and will no doubt equate to a well-rewarded sweet ‘something’.

Brownie Points P.A memo:  Keep it simple, (don’t make yourself look) stupid. 

EAT: Avoiding anniversary angst

As jokes and girly rom-com movies go, anniversaries inevitably lead to angst. Someone forgets…and she gets upset. Best to book your spot in the bedroom ahead of time.

Buzo  is a modern Italian restaurant on Jersey Rd, Woollahra. Inside a converted terrace, the warm dining room spills over two floors housing shelves of great wine and a reasonably priced menu offering. The porcini mushroom, prosciutto and truffle lasagne is their must-devour signature dish. Plus, the waitstaff are genuinely friendly and not too uppity so you can have a bit of banter. She'll like the fact that you make friends with the waiter. Make sure she orders first because she wants you to be considerate. Especially in a nice restaurant.

Brownie Points P.A memo: Start the booze pre-Buzo at the Light Brigade hotel next door. 

SHARE: When 1 present is more than enough

Whatever the occasion, when there’s a gift to be given, there are brownie points to be made. Unfortunately, too often these hard-to-come by points can be lost in the plethora of presents given in an attempt to cover all bases.

The rule is 1 significant present should always be enough. A friend recently bought an expensive necklace for his girlfriend, spending a good chunk of his monthly beer fund. Realising she also loved her fashion mags, he considered getting a 1 year Madison subscription. Heads up – the minute he adds this into the mix, it detracts the value of the necklace and makes it seem cheaper. Save yourself the money and present the necklace as a stand-alone.

Brownie Points PA memo: You shouldn’t need to buy bits and pieces to add to the ‘main present’ if you’ve chosen well or bought something significant enough.

SHARE: Buying your way out of the doghouse

A couple I know have a hilarious and unique agreement for allowing him to have his weekend benders while keeping her happy. Labelled a ‘handbag offence’, he simply pays his way out of the doghouse by buying her a new handbag each time he comes in smashed at 8am. It might be costly but it’s all in the psychology. In her eyes, it’s less ‘can’t buy my love’ and more ‘win-win’ with either a new handbag or her sober and pleasant man-bag. Makes for a less punishing hangover the next day doesn’t it?

Brownie Points P.A memo: Buyer beware – proceed only if she is in agreement. Otherwise, you’ll get the handbag, flowers or other such admission-of-guilt paraphernalia thrown back in your face. 

EAT: Neighbourhood Date Night

Hands up if the current weekly routine is a mix of  ‘home-for-dinner’ after work and the gym, a night meeting the boys at the pub, the obligatory couples’ dinners with her girlfriends and Sunday nights in front of the TV with ‘take away’ as the highlight.

Time to treat you and the missus to a night off from all the monotony of living from weekend to weekend.  Enter the relationship ‘date night’. Don’t even go into the debate around ‘Are you cooking tonight?’. Go straight past ‘No’ to the neighbourhood favourite and Potts Point locale,Café Sopra

Inside Fratelli Fresh on Macleay St, right above Woolies, Café Sopra is a fantastic café with better than your-average-café food. Sopra keeps it simple yet satisfying. It’s a no-nonsense, no-frills, simple Italian joint using fresh, daily ingredients sourced from Fratelli Fresh.

Walk in, ask for 2, command a carafe of wine, order off the chalkboard and she’ll be looking at you all doe-eyed like the early days when you were a few kgs lighter and she loved seeing your socks on the floor.

There’s an array of dishes like the amazing orrechiette with lamb ragu and the bistecca with anchovy butter to give you that restaurant savoir-faire whilst avoiding the ‘small servings on large plates’ where you’re left wishing for a post-meal Big Mac. Plus, the reasonably priced menu and wine list will have your wallet and heart singing.

EAT: Hangover Date

It’s the weekend and she’s stayed the night. There’s nothing in the fridge but you still need to impress. Your local cafe isn’t overly exciting and you still want to appear better than the rest while filling up on a well-deserved weekend breakfast.     
 

Hello Yum Cha. Time to head on down to Chinatown. You’ll not only have fun with her picking and pointing at a hundred items of deliciousness, you can even impress her with your cultural choice and chopstick action. There are a few brilliant spots to hit up and if you’re prepared to man up for the potential wait and deal with the abrupt wait staff, you will be well rewarded with fast and fat parcels of food.         
 

DRINK: Just what the doctor ordered

There’s a few new kids in the Surry Hills end of town. The latest being Dr Pong on Burton St. Located right near Pocket Bar and The Pond, Dr Pong brings a great vibe to the spot where Chicane used to live. Even better, Dr Pong isn’t the kind of place where you end up crammed in uncomfortably with the guy next to you. There’s great outdoor seating and big windows, a dining area with booths and tables and best of all, a massive ping pong table right in the middle. It feels like one awesome house party where everything’s affordable and even the beers are served in college-style red beer cups. This is no sceney, look-at-me joint.


Brownie Points P.A rating: Awesome for a new-date-meeting with her mates.